September 11, 2009

Eight years ago today........Seems like it was just yesterday. We were living at my friend Bill's house at I-10 and Barker Cypress and I got up for work as normal, Cheryl, my second mom, arrived at Bill's to ride to work together and we got in my truck and headed down I-10 to downtown. I have a scanner in my truck and was listening to Metro Traffic and I was paying attention to Vikki Taylor, my favorite chopper chick, talk about the World Trade Center. Cheryl and I were so oblivious we kept looking at each other saying, World Trade Center? Is there one in Houston? Where would it be? Certianly they wouldnt be discussing the one in NY, would they? We get to work, and the office is all a buzz. It finally dawned on Cheryl and I that our world had just changed completely in a heart beat. We all gathered around the only tv in our office and watched the news footage. All while feeling that unsettling feeling of what else could these terriorist be planning? Was downtown Houston going to be next?? The powers that be finally sent us all home and as we were exiting downtown it was like a mass exidus. People were running from their buildings in search of their vehicles to get out the heck out of dodge. Streets were packed with cars headed to all exits of downtown.

We finally make it home and I promptly plop my butt on Bill's couch and turned the tv on and from then on, I was glued to my tv. It was horrifying but I couldnt stop watching. It was all so surreal. Was this really happening? This sort of thing does not happen in the US right? Surely it was all a big mistake. More and more people died, more and more ordinary people became heros, more and more and more............ Reality check....this was really happening.

Its amazing how life can change in a heartbeat. However many millions or billions of people in the US, all had their lives changed in a single second. As the years have gone by, the memories have all slowly melted into the back of our minds and we've all gone on living life. But every now and then, you stop and think about it and say a silent prayer for America.

Makes you really apprecitate the things you have in your life when you stop and think about what could have been. I've been blessed with so many good friends and wonderful experiences and memories in my life and I dont say "I appreciate you" enough to my friends. They have stuck by me through thick and thin and been there to support me when needed.

So, I appreciate you my friends. Thank you for being there through good times and bads and lifting me up when I was down. Lets all stop and say a little prayer for America today and your family and friends, and those that parished in 9/11. You never know when it will be your last day.

Some Days......

It just not worth chewing through the leather restraints!!! Today was one of those days!

I tried something new today......I started off the morning trying to positive....evening posting a nice positive facebook status, stating that I had survived yesterday and today was going to be an awesome day! Well.......that didnt get me very far! lol

Work has been a struggle lately. Way too much going on. but that's a whole nother can of worms. On top of that, some of my friends are going through some serious drama either with some of their friends or family. All I can say is THANK GOD its not me this go round. Im just there to listen! LOL My drama days are over! woo hoo! (see, there is a silver lining!! heheheeh)

So anyways....with everything going on today, I really was somewhat distracted at work but I was doing the best I could. I pretty much successfully screwed up everything I could possibly screw up today. It was awesome. Finally got to the point where my boss came over to my desk and I looked up at him and said, so Louis, what can I screw up for you now??!! Luckily, he does have a little bit of humor and he laughs. Not quite sure if he was laughing at me or out of sheer frustration but whatever. he laughed none the less. lol

Thank God for Julie humoring me through the day as I was sending her email after email of all that was happening. Poor thing didnt know what she signed up for when we got back in touch after 20 years! Bet shes hating the day she wanted to be my friend on facebook! hehehehe She did keep me giggling though I have to say.

I FINALLY make it to 5:00 p and haul butt out of there! Hoping beyond hope that at least my "hot cop" would be directing traffic!!!! My little piece of joy on my way home sitting in traffic! heheehehe but NOOOOOOO! of course not! he wasnt there! that would be too easy.

So I decided you know what, mamma needs CHOCOLATE! Cause you know, chocolate makes it all better right??? I finally make it almost home and stop in at the local CVS and look for me some chocolate. Oh, and I did need some other things so really, it wasnt all about chocolate! lol I get my little purchases, which of course they are out of the ONE item I really needed but ok. I'm getting in my truck in anticipation in reaching in my little big and digging out some chocolate! I found these awesome little reeses select, peanut butter cremes, and there was only one bag left! woo hoo! Lucky me!!! I reach in the bag with great anticipation of the satisfaction Im fixing to achieve, you know, almost a reeses induced orgasim, I pick up the little piece of chocolate and I slowly unwrap it.............just waiting to pop it in my mouth.....and guess what!!!! Every single piece is MELTED! HELLO! MELTED! I just left an airconditioned store, got into my airconditioned truck, and its melted! You know, melted and then hardened again. It just wasnt the same!

I sat there and just had to laugh. Some things just werent ment to be I guess! I laughed all the way home, so I thought I would share.

Tomorrow my goal for work is to see if I can screw up more than I screwed up today! I think I can I think I can! lol

I feel a song coming on........

But I will get to that in a bit! lol It really has been a busy year it seems. Hard to believe its already the end of July! So much has changed!

I have to say, I've really been enjoying Facebook. I've caught up with sooo many people that I have lost touch with through the years. Its been a blast learning what they have been up in the 20 plus years since High School and some even since Jr. High! We even have a little get together with a few of the girls for next thursday! I cant wait! So exciting. And one day, I'm gonna have to take a trip to Missouri to see Julie. I've really enjoyed catching up with her! I've actually missed her through the years. Such a great way to be able to catch up.

Life has actually been going pretty good as of late. I've had to make some very tough decisions, but, I think in the end, it was the right decision to make. I've had to let go of a very long friendship. Or, at least I thought it was a friendship. But friendship should never have to be that hard. It seemed like I was constantly having to defend myself for things that either she perceived I did, or things maybe I had done, but more things perceived. She was the first to believe the worst in me and the first to make snide remarks about me. No matter what I did or said, it was never good enough. I was the only one that stood behind her 100% and never questioned or judged her. So why is it that she was always the first to condem me? And allow her other friends to say bad things about me without even truly knowing me? I would never let me friends speak ill of her. And she always knew how to cut me the deepest and then fain ignornance by saying, what do you mean? that wasnt about you! Come on now. I've known you for long enough to know what you ment and who you ment it too. And yes, it hurts. It hurts alot. And I would never do that back to my friends. Thats not the way to treat friends. No, Im not perfect. Never claimed to be. But I have given 110% to a friendship that I thought was worth it, but never got that back in return. Im sure they feel justified for doing what they do and will never even open themselves up to see that they were indeed wrong as well and the things that were done to me, were not warranted. Again, all I have ever done is be there standing behind her 100% and I can honestly say, I was there for her when nobody else was. But that is never good enough. Hence the song that comes to mind. Some of the lyrics are just perfect. They are:

It's never enough to say I'm sorry
It's never enough to say I care
Trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me and I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be
It's never enough to say I love you
No, it's never enough to say I try
It's hard to believe that's there'sNo way out for you and me
And it seems to be, The story of our life
Nobody wins when everyone's losing

I am truly sorry it has turned out the way it has and if I could make it any different I would. but frankly, I'm tired of trying to defend myself for no reason. I had to put my cat to sleep last week, and instead of saying thank you for taking care of that or Im sorry you had to go through that, I got berated over something entirely different. But again, she will never see that she was wrong. I would never do the things to her that she has done to me. I will get passed this, but it will be hard. Unlike her who will just go forward thinking she is the victim and she was the one that wronged by such a terrible person, such as myself, and never give it a second though. Well, so beit. I'm learning the hard way who my true friends and who has been there for me all along without fail. I'd like to give credit to Andrea, Cretia, and Dena especially. I rarely see Andrea due to family obligations and basically life getting in the way, but I understand this and so does she, but she has always been there for me no matter what. You dont need to see your friends to know they are there. The true ones anyway. Yes I miss her terribly and would love to see her, but I for sure dont hold that against her.

Anyway..........Thanks for listening to me. I will hold my head up high knowing I did all I could do, it was just never good enough. I will enjoy the friendships I have and the new/old ones I'm rekindling. Thank God for Facebook! LOL

aaaahhhh.....Vacation!

At the insistence of my boss, I finally took a week off from work last week. I so needed the time to relax. So much has happened this year and some of it not so good, and some of it good. It was really nice to get away.

I would like to start off by saying that June 11, 2009 was 2 years since my second mom, Cheryl, passed away. That was a very tough day for me. You try and keep your mind occupied and not think about it, but we all know that doesnt work. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster! But, as they say, this too shall pass.

So, I decided to take a chance to see if I could do it, and I took a motorcycle class. Yes, I know, I've completely lost my mind, but I really just wanted to see if I could do it. And guess what! I did it! woo hoo! Now it wasnt the best idea to take this particular class in the summer heat! Totally did not think about driving the bikes outside, on the pavement! OMG! Monday and Tuesday we spent at least 10 hours on the bikes in the middle of the heat. Monday I think it hit 100 while we were outside with that lovely chrome from the bike shinning on our faces like a little tanning deal. Of course, being the total white chick that I am, I dont tan, I burn! my poor chin was beat red and peeling like crazy come wednesday. But anyway. I perserverd (sp) and made it through. Never once crashed my bike, OR put my helmet on backwards! yes, that actually did happen! LOL poor girl.

Wednesday I was so exhausted from the sun that I couldnt even drag myself out of bed. Not to mention I ended up with two cold sores from the hours upon hours of direct sun! Talk about pain! I've never had them that bad or that painful! We finally got up and had to run a couple of errands and came back and went right back to bed!

Thursday we got up and Roger, the dh and I, drove to Brenham to take the DPS portion of the motorcycle exam. We decided we would do that and then reward ourselves (if we passed that is!) by going to Blue Bell while we were there. 41 years in Houston and never once have I been to the Blue Bell Tour! Sad, but true. So, we get to the DPS office and take our test and guess what!!! We both passed! AWESOME! Of course, I couldnt pass the dang eye test so had to use my glasses and now I have that stupid restriction on my license. Im getting old! lol Oh well.

Off to the Blue Bell plant for our tour. We get there just in time for the next tour, which worked out perfectly. It was actually pretty interesting. But, I have to say, the best part was the ice cream they give you at the end of the tour! YUMMY!

Its still early after the tour, so we decide to head off to Shiner, Texas and go to the Shiner brewery. Of course, we have it in our minds to be back by 6p to attend a viewing of a friend, Chief Wes Cole, who passed away of cancer earlier in the week. God rest his soul. Actually the dh's friend. I had only met him a handful of times, but seemed like a really nice man. Anyway......we find a little stop on the way to Shiner called Fish & Loaves that looked like an interesting place to stop for lunch. It was definitely interesting. Okay food, but really nothing to write home about.

Back enroute to Shiner we go. An interesting fact about Shiner that I did not know is that that it claims its the cleaniest little town in Texas. Its acutally a really quaint little town. We had absolute ball at the brewery. The dh and Roger I think were in hog heaven. Not to mention they got FOUR free beers each! It was actually quite interesting.

After the tour, the dh decided to show Roger and I some great places to go biking. One called the Twisted Sisters and one called the Devil's Backbone. They were absolutely gorgeous! I can see why bikers like these places! We met up with our friend Mike and his son Wes, on his bike, and drove along the roads and just took in all the beautiful scenery. Its absolutely breathtaking. We stopped in Leakey, Texas at a place called the Hog Pen and had a drink, and then went across the street and had dinner. It was all so relaxing I hated to head home! However, we totally missed the viewing and poor Roger had to be at work at 5:30a! Well, we got him home by 3a so that was good right? LOL

Wes' funeral was friday, and we werent going to be able to attend that cause the dh had decided to surprise me, again, and booked us two nights at the Fox Meadows Bed & Breakfast for Friday and Saturday nights. OMG! I love that place! Its sooo incredibly relaxing. We had gone in February and he figured it was a good time to go and relax again. Unforuantely, with the heat from earlier in the week, the cold sores and headache, we couldnt leave friday so decided to still go saturday. One day is better than none right??? Well Saturday comes, and the dh gets a bad migraine, so we take all this a a sign we arent to go. Luckily, we called the innkeepers, who are super nice, and tell them what was going on and they are holding our deposit for the next time we decide to go. Isnt that so very nice???? Normally places like that will just take the money and say sorry for your luck! But not the Fox's! They are so sweet! I was so wanting some of her homemade bread though! YUMMY! It was sooo good the last time. Oh well. There was a reason we weren't ment to go, so until next time!

So anyway. All in all, it was a great week! I dont think I've ever done that much in one week! I dont know that I will ever do anythign with my motorcycle license, but I really wanted to see if I could do it. I was so proud of myself that I did it. Its also good to know that if something happened to the dh when we are out on the bike, at least I can drive the bike somewhere! lol

Now just have to plan the next adventure! woo hoo! lol

To Say or Not to Say - That seems to be the question.....

Well, I havent written in a long while, but it seems as though I've had nothing positive to say, so I've stayed away from writing anything and bringing anyone down. However, today has just been one of those days that I just had to let it out.

We can start this wonderful year off by telling everyone, I lost one of my oldest and dearest friends on January 31, 2009. He was like the brother I never had, and those of you that know me, know that I have a brother who was never like a brother anyway. Rodney passed away right in front of his kids just two days after being release from the hospital. They say that he threw a blood clot from his leg to his heart. The only good thing I can see out of the whole thing is that he died instantly. My heart aches from missing him, and it aches for his kids that watched the whole thing take place. I hope they are able to move forward from this. I still miss him every day. He's been in my life for almost 20 years and was one of the few people that I knew I could truly count on. Sure, we had our differences from time to time, but we both knew we were always there for each other. We knew too much about each other so we had to keep the other close! LOL

Then dealing with all this renovation from Ike. Never, I repeat, NEVER mix business with friendship. No matter how many times I tell myself or others this, I always end up doing it. I try and help friends out where I can and it ALWAYS seems to come back and bite me in the butt. Why is it that people are allowed to tell you what is on their minds, or treat you like crap for whatever reason and you are never allowed to speak your mind or stand up for yourself without making them mad and you looking like the bad person? I just dont get it. I have always kept my mouth shut on what I was thinking or feeling with everyone becuase I dont like to upset anyone. But I sure dont get the same respect. The first time I try and say something, everything gets turned around and I'm the bad guy. So, am I supposed to sit by idly and get walked on time and time again just so as to not hurt someone else's feelings?? How many times am I supposed to stick my hand out to help someone only to get screwed in the process? Where are these same people that I have helped when I need someone? Am I not supposed to get upset when I get disrepected or my home that I work dam hard for to have, is disrepected? As many times as I have opened my home to people in need, this is how I get paid back? Not that I am keeping score, but dam, enough is enough. But again, I'm not supposed to get upset. I'm not supposed to say anything cause that may very well upset someone else. I care about other people's feelings, but why dont they care about mine? Why dont they care about what they have done to my house or to me for that matter? Or the money that I have forked out to help people out? Seriously, I'm not made of money. I work very hard for my money to have what I have and I have always helped when people needed it.

I am just so dam frustrated and I have no clue as to which way to turn. Twice now I have said things and twice now I've pissed people off. Guess I'm just supposed to sit back and pretend that everything is just sunshine and light and that I like being screwed at every turn. dont worry, I have all the money in the world to fix everything.

Lessons Learned Through Loss

I had to bury one of my very best friends this week. Rodney Dale Waters passed away on January 31, 2009 at the tender age of 43. Rodney and I have been friends since 1985. I can't look back and remember a time he wasnt there for me with a big hug, a big smile and always making me laugh even during the worst of times. When my mom had her heart attack, he was my only friend that went to the hospital to visit her. Even when I wasnt there, he went to see her. I feel such a profound sense of loss. I know God has his reasons for everything, and I know I'm supposed to learn something from this, I just wish I knew more about what that was. His funeral was amazing. Well, as amazing as funerals can be. But he was an HFD fireman and the fire department has all of their pomp and circumstance and he was also a Mason so they did all of their rituals as well and it was simply amazing. To be part of such a brotherhood of the Masons and the fire department is just incredible.

In looking back over the past week's events, I have actually learned the following:

1. Take lots of pictures. I throughly regret that after almost 20 yrs of friendship with Rodney, I actually have only 4 pictures of him. I am going to make a conscience effort from now on to take pictures of my family and friends.

2. Mend broken fences. Friends are going to make mistakes. Nobody is perfect, but everyone deserves a second chance. There were friends of ours at the funeral that had not made their peace with Rodney and now are simply devastated. I am so thankful that Rodney and I sat down almost a year ago and worked through any and all issues we had and were back to being the best friends that we had been for so many years. I wish our other friend Allen peace in the knowledge that although he did not mend his fences with Rodney before he left this earth, that all is forgiven now. I hope Allen is able to move on and learn from this as well.

3. You find out who your friends are. You see the ones that are there for you and the ones that are so wrapped up in their own lives they dont have room for anyone else. Its sad really.

I know there were other lessons learned that I will remember, but for now, those are the most important. I feel so truly blessed to have had him in my life. His last words to me were "LMAO............thats my Cat." I will never forget that. I just wish I had had more time with him, but then dont we all say that when we lose a loved one? Take time to cherish your family and your friends. Make yourself spend the time with them like you should so that you dont have the regrets. Live life to the fullest. You never know when your number will be called.

I know Rodney is up there looking over me now, along with my other friends that were called away too soon..............Patricia Broadus, my friend that passed away from a car accident right before our high school years, Allen Schlein that passed due to a rare brain tumor at the young age of 28 back in 1989, Allen Coe that passed from a tragic car accident 5 years ago, and my second mom, Cheryl Tomaski, that lost her struggle with cancer 2 years ago. I took something special away from each of these friends and there is not a day that goes by that I dont think of them. I miss them all very much.

I can only hope that I have made some sort of impact on my friends lives as my friends have made on me. Do you ever wonder how many people would attend your funeral if you died? or how many would remember you like you remember them? I have. Sometimes its not very pretty.

Each day it will get easier. Right?????