Why

There are many "why" questions I would LOVE to have answers to. But right now, the only "why" question I care about is why do some of the nicest, sweetest people that would never hurt a fly, end up sufering through things as horrible as cancer? It just seems like its running rampit nowadays and getting worse and worse.

I've spoken previously about my friend Cheryl that is going through chemo and all that for her second round of cancer. Well, I hadn't heard from her in awhile and knew that couldn't be good. She always calls and keeps me updated. She's been like my second mom for years. In alot of ways I was closer to her than my own mom. Since I hadn't heard anything, I emailed her daugher, Michelle, and I received the following response:

Well, mom's doctor appointment was yesterday. It's not very good news. I'm not sure if this is easier over email or if you can/want to talk about this at work. Basically, the cancer has spread and is getting worse. The small cells they found last time have gotten bigger and now there are more of them. It has even moved into her liver and "soft tissue" which is basically her skin, so she's got these bumps every where that we didn't know what they were until yesterday. Or at least they weren't telling us before. They are going to put her through one more round of treatment (3 treatments over the next 6 weeks), but feel if the chemo doesn't reduce the cancer this time that any more than this will do her more harm then good. Naturally, they can't give us exact timing on all of this, but on average they've said if this doesn't work we're looking at 4-6 months.

Now, THAT sucks. My heart aches for her and her family. My God. What would you do if you found out you only had that long to live?? I couldn't even imagine. And I can't imagine my life without her. She's been my mentor and one of God's biggest warriors. I see why God wants her home with him, but wait, we aren't finished with her yet!!! She says she's not giving up and she's fighting with all she's got, but her spirits are so far down. She's putting up a brave front but you know behind that front is a scared woman. Not to mention the excruciating pain she is in. She is so devoted to her family and she doesn't want to leave them either. And her husband, Jay, is not doing well either. I hate to say it, but he loves her so much, if he loses her, I would venture to guess that he won't be long after her.

Please contiune to pray for her and her family. I'm really not ready to let her go. Yes, I know that is selfish, but I can't help it. Too much has already been lost this year. God I wish my best friend were here to talk to about everything. She always makes me feel better and I miss her.

Anyway. Again, please keep her in your prayers and if you know anyone that has prayer chains, please place her and her family on it. maybe if we all pray together, she can beat this.

Thank you to everyone.

Best Laid Plans

Seems like everytime I make plans with a certain friend of mine, something always seems to come up and we end up doing something completely different from what we started out to do. I love hanging out with her though. She's so unique. We don't talk as often as we should, but we always seem to pick up right where we left off the last time.

The plan for this beautiful Sunday was lunch and then off to the physic fair they were having. Thought that would be interesting. Not that I beleive in it all, but its fun to play. Plus, I thought it would be interesting to look into some of these weirdo dreams I've been having. I've always had weird dreams, just seems like sometimes I have them more often than not. At least it doesn't sound like I'm in it alone, since Cas evidently has some pretty weird dreams also!! :-) However, it was evidently not in the cards to make it to there. I-10 freeway was horrible and with all the construction, it took us forever to even meet up with each other. At one point we were going opposite directions on I-10!! Finally we gave up and went a complete opposite direction with our plans.

I never really knew there was that much to do in Houston, but it seems like there is always something going on. She knew about this Japanese festiville going on at Herman Park so we decided to go there. It was actually very interesting and it was a beautiful day to roam around the park. We got our names printed on bookmarks in Japanese. but consiering I can't read what it says for all I know it could say "bitch" or something! but hey, that's okay, its looks cool. and it was GREAT for people watching. OMG! there are some serious weirdos running around. Now, the two comments you would not expect to hear at a Japanese convention:

1. Have you cleaned your cookies lately? and

2. Two girls standing together and one says to the other, I just love sharing my sausage with you.

We couldn't stop laughing. All sorts of thoughts ran thruogh our heads.

Anyway. It was a beautiful weekend and I hope everyone was able to get out and enjoy it.

Prayers

I received the following email from my friend Cheryl. For those of you that don't know, Cheryl was diagnosed with Cancer a couple of years ago and she beat it. She's been in remission for awhile now, and recently, the cancer has come back and seems to be worse than the first go round, and she is now on her second round of chemo. Please please please please keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers. She tells me every day she's not ready to die and it breaks my heart. Hug your friends and loved ones folks, you never know when your time will come.

"Hey There - rough day. I am sorry to write this to all of you but I just cannot sit that long. I have not been looking at emails for about 4 days,s orry. I have been home since last Thursday. I was having a great deal of pain thru Saturday night, then it appeared Sunday and Monday I was doing better. Today we were at MD Anderson for 6 hours!!!!!! First, my blood tests came back and this chemo is evidently making it impossible for my bone marrow to make new red and white blood cells. They will be checking this again on Friday. If by next week it is not better, it "may be" necessary to do a blood transfusion, I m just believing it won't come to that. Then second, I had to go to "pain management control" because it is getting out of line. We will be seeing after the MRIs next Friday (to see if it has spread in my spine) and then the following Friday (a bone scan, cat scans, and x-rays) to see if this "particular" chemo is working of it in fact we will have to change to another. I will not stop believing tht my God is going to heal me, I know he is watching over me and I know he knows what is in store for me. All my children were to be with Jay and I this past week and it was awesome. Remember Jay in your prayers too, he is not feeling well himself, along with all that is going on, this has been really rough."

Oh, and I neglected to mention that Jay, Cheryl's husband, has a long laundry list of illnesses to his credit as well. One of which is Cardiomyopathy. Thank you to every one for keeping the Tomaski family in your thoughts and prayers. I sincerely appreciate it.

Ahhh......Nice Long Weekends

You just have to love LONG weekends. Even though the weather was nice and cold it was still great. I so needed that extra day. Its been a long time since I've actually gotten a day off, so that was a nice treat. At least maybe once the new secretary starts, maybe I'll actually get to take a real vacation. She starts on the 16th so wish me luck. They made me interview this one, and seeing as how I am not a very good judge of character, lets hope it works out, cause if not, I'll have to blame myself!! :-) Of course, to my defense, they didn't tell me I was interviewing her until right before I was supposed to walk in there and meet her! But hey, we share the same name, and she goes by one of my nicknames and she lives on my side of town. So, keep your fingers crossed!!

We started Friday off by sleeping in. of course being lazy, sleeping is always enjoyable. Then we lazily got out and did some shopping. The worst part of the day though, we went up to Rona's vet hospital and ordered an urn for Keisha. Now that sucked. Felt really weird having to do that. But we got it done and once Keisha comes home, she will have a cute little urn to live in and hang out on the mantel with Fancy. Its hard to believe that Fancy has been gone for almost four years now. Seems like just yesterday. Once that was taken care of, we stopped and ate some really good italian food, seeing as how it was Good Friday, there was no meat involved. It was a new restaurant and it was actually really good.

Now, Friday turned very interesting after we got home. We got a very intriguing phone call. I have to say, I know I am not supposed to enjoy when you actually get to see karma in action, but in this particular incident, I have to admit, I really enjoyed it. I learned some very interesting information and enjoyed the heck out of it. i wont go into all here, just suffice to say you reap what you sew and it was so great to see this in action.

Saturday started again with my favorite hobby, sleeping in!! Then we decided to do something I haven't done in FOREVER. We met Rona and our nephew Jeremy and went bowling. Yes, I said bowling. I found out that I don't suck at it nearly as bad as I used to. the last time I can remember bowling, I kid you not, I got a 14! I was terrible. I couldn't barely get the darn ball down to the pins! This time, I actually did pretty good. The first game I bowled a 102 and the second game was a 132. I even got two strikes in one game! YEAH!!! We had a ball. It was soo much fun. of course, I don't use a few of the muscles that you use for bowling, so now I am completely sore! Man am I ever out of shape! but hey, it was sure worth it.

Sunday we actually went over to the folks house and had a great lunch. It was just the four of us, my parents, my dh and me and we had a wonderful time. My mom and I went and chatted for hours. It was so nice. No interuptions, no nothing. Just me and my mom. I loved it!!

Now of course, its back to realtiy and back to work. {insert big sigh} I guess the weekend always has to come to an end right???

Mid Week Funny

Cowboys...........gotta love 'em!!!!

Lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with
his feet propped up on a table.

He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they
say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.
Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and
let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she
spent the night with him. The next morning she
handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm
real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah
services before."

"Don't be flattered... take the money and buy
yourself some boots that fit."

Judgment

I often wonder:

How can we sit in judgment and condemn others? Seems like the only one that has a right to judge or condemn is God, but we as humans are all guilty of doing just that. Most of the time, our judgments are based on someone’s looks, their thoughts, their perceptions, their ideas, their actions or a perceived notion by us about their thoughts, comments or ideas. And I have found, that we are often wrong in our judgment or assumptions of others. I believe there is a saying about this that goes something like, “You can’t judge a book by it’s cover.” We tend to be the judge and jury and find people guilty and sentence them to life, without all the facts in evidence or at least giving the facts the reasonable doubt that they deserve. Its much easier to find them guilty and hang them then to admit that maybe we didn’t see all the facts or made judgments in haste or out of anger, or just refused to see another’s point of view and respect where those views came from.

How can some people sit high on their thrones, thinking they can do no wrong and condemn others for acts that they themselves are guilty of and have been forgiven of? How can you condone one person doing the same act that you are condemning another for? Or for that matter, the same act that you yourself is doing? Isn’t that hypocritical? Who are they to withhold forgiveness when it is asked of them? Just because someone does things differently than you does not make how they did it wrong. Just because someone comes to different conclusions than you do about the same issue does not make either conclusion wrong. Being able to open our minds and our hearts to be able to see all sides of an issue is what makes us able to come up with so many solutions to the problems at hand. That allows us to “think outside the box.” It keeps us from being so narrow minded that all we can focus on is ourselves and how we perceived the solution to an issue. Everyone’s favorite radio station: WIFM (What’s in it for me?) That’s what most people think about. Themselves and only themselves.

What was one of the first Golden Rules that we learned as children? “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” Exactly how far should you take this? If you repeatedly do for others and get it thrown back in your face, do you continue to try and do for them? When is enough, enough?

I suppose there comes a time in all our lives when we have to mourn the loss of things we cannot change. Just as the serenity prayer says:

God, grant me the Serenity

To accept the things I cannot change...

Courage to change the things I can,

And Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did,

this sinful world as it is,Not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His will.

That I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Amen.

That’s all we can do is put our lives in God’s hands and accept the fact that he is doing what is right for us. No matter how much it hurts, or how much we wish and have tried to change things, it cannot happen if you are the only one that wants it to change. You must accept the fact that people do not care for you the same that you do for them. You can just pray for their understanding and hope that one day, something may change, but if not, then it was not ment to be. It may appear to you that it is unjust and unfair, but you have to accept and respect the feelings of others. The pain will lessen and lessen each and every day. The days and the nights will get easier. And soon you will be able to enjoy life again. There will always be a big part missing, and a little piece of your heart missing, but you will learn that you can live without these little pieces and you always have your memories. Although I would love for things to be different, doesn't look like that is going to happen. You can remember the good times and let go of the anger and the hurt. Its very fatiguing (and quite frankly, it hurts too dam much).

New Beginnings

Ah, a new beginning, she said hopefully. A new month. The first three months of this year have got to be the worst I have ever seen. And not just for me, but for almost everyone I know. 2007 has not gotten off to a very good start. So now I am hoping that since 4 has always been my favorite number, maybe the FOURTH month of the year will be the start of a better year. All I know is that something has got to give. I did start the month off by getting a raise (a GREAT one I have to say) and a new lap top, so surely it's off to a good start right??

March was the worst. The loss of my best friend, Keisha, was way too much to handle. I can honestly say though, I found out who my friends really were. Not the fake ones that lied to me for years, but the ones that actually mean something. I have also reconnected with two old friends that I haven't talked to in quite awhile and realize now just how much I have missed them. Just seems you get so tied up in your own life, you don't stop and realize what is actually important. There are some things that are better off left in the past, not to be brought into the future. Besides, I fully believe in karma and it will come back to get you. I'm just glad I dont have to be a part of it.

I did get a really good laugh this weekend, which is something I can say I have not had even once this year! Saturday I decided to go and check out the place that was going to be taking care of Keisha and her remains until she was returned to me. Yes, I am having her cremated and yes, she will be returned to me in an urn to proudly sit on my mantel right next to her sister, Fancy. Anyway. The dh and I and the only other person on this earth that would actually go to a pet cemetery with me, Rona, took a trip out to A Bit of Heavan Pet Cemetery. It sure looks a lot different in person than on the internet. Not horrible mind you, but still not a place I would want my beloved companion to spend her eternity. So anyway. Rona and her dh and my nephew and my dh are wandering around this property and we find this place that looks something like it might be a chapel. of course it was looked up tight so we wandered around the back and found a guy cleaning up the place so we peeked inside the joint and saw this little alter and a lovely place for what we may think were for doggy weddings or something like that. All of a sudden a lady appears and asks if she could help us. So I promptly explain that they were going to pick up my baby to have her cremated and I was just trying to find out what kind of urn she was going to be in and so forth. Well, that lady was so not all there. She looked at me and said, um, your daughter? Um, we don't cremate people here. I stifled my laugh and said, no, my dog. She still was way off on what we were trying to ask her. Evidently she has her own animal cremation service but it wasn't the one I was using. Rona couldn't stand it and had to ask them what it was that they had the facilities for and she said, oh we hold weddings and anniversary parties and birthday parties here. Rona looks at her odd, and says, for people?? Now, who on earth would want their wedding right next to a pet cemetary?? Evidently people do since she's still in business, but what a weird combonation. So, what do you do for a living? Oh, well I have a banquet facility for weddings and such and I cremate and bury animals! Now lets just hope the two never mix!! Rona asked her who would have weddings at a pet cemetery and the lady said, oh now, they haven't got me yet, they wont get you! Rona and I walked out of there laughing so hard we were crying. But dang, I sure did need that laugh!!

One of the friends that I have reconnected with I feel so bad for. She has got to be one of the nicest people I have ever met and she is always upbeat. Until now. 2007 has been bad for her too. Her husband went to Iraq and came back with PTSD. He has now turned to alcohol to try and help himself with this. Poor thing. I feel so bad for her to have to deal with that. I know how hard it is. Please keep her in your prayers cause I know she is sure going to need it.

My other friend, Cheryl, is still trying to come to terms with her cancer. I so hate it for her. i found the best necklace that I want to get for her, but of course, its on backorder! It says: What Cancer Cannot Do.......... It cannot invade the soul, suppress memories, kill friendship, destroy peace, conquer the spirit, shatter hope, cripple love, corrode faith, steal eternal life, silence courage. That is so true!! All we can do is pray and pray and leave it in God's hands. He does know what he is doing afterall, even though we do not. Someone told me once that maybe all these bad things that have happened this year is God's way of tying up loose ends, getting rid of dead weight, and preparing you for the next chapter of your life. I just wish I knew what that was!!!!

So while we are keeping the people above in our prayers, lets all remember to keep each other and our friends and family also in our prayers so that we may understand what God means for us to and that things look up for all of us, and that we can forgive those that truspass against us and be forgiven for those we have truspassed against. Surely it will all start looking up if we remember all this.

I miss you Keisha. Rest in peace baby. Until we meet again at Rainbow Bridge and cross together. My heart aches for you each and every day.