Reality

Have you ever noticed how reality has a way of sneaking up on you and slapping you in the face with brutal force before you are aware of what is about to happen?? You go through time with blinders on and then, all of sudden, reality is standing right there laughing at you. Amazing really. Cause once you look back, all the signs were there, you just didn't see it. Or you just chose to ignore it. Of course, once reality slaps you, all you can do is stand there and go DOH! Oh well. End that chapter and move on right? Think I'll just take up fishing.



Things have finally started calming down a bit after Cheryl's death. The whole thing still seems so surreal. I still want to pick up the phone and call her. At least I know I can still talk to her and I am still in contact with my extended family, so I guess that will have to suffice. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her though.

We've also been getting Momma T moved in to her new home which she now shares with ME!! YEAH! Its so great having her and Cam there. She is the best housewife ever. She cooks, she cleans, everything. Its wonderful. If she ever decides to leave, I'm just gonna have to pack up and go with her. I get Tina tea anytime I want it!! What more can a girl ask for??? They have really made it hard though to shrink into my little cocoon and feel sorry for myself and sit around and think about Cheryl. That's been such a blessing. Life is never dull with them around. It was amazing how quiet, quiet was when Cam was gone. Too quiet really.

All the animals have finally begun to mesh together and realize that not a dang one of them are going anywhere. As much as they would probably like it if some of them left, they have come to the realization that that is just not going to happen. Looks like we've switched dogs though. Jake sleeps with me and the dh and Tawne and Bailey sleep with Tina and Cam. Which works out great for us considering Jake prefers to sleep on the floor whereas T and B like the bed! I think we got the better end of that deal!!!

Everything is starting to level out now so lets hope that the rest of 2007 is ALOT better than the first half!!!

9:35 p.m. Monday, June 11, 2007

Well, just upon completion of my last entry, I got the phone call that I have been dreading. Cheryl is gone. Her long hard struggling battle is now complete. She passed away at 9:35 p.m. this evening. I knew this was coming, I expected it, and as soon as my phone rang at 10:45 p.m., I knew what was coming............but it still came as a shock. I'm in the middle of having a complete breakdown, so I will have to finish this later. I just wanted everyone to know.

RIP -- Cheryl Ree Tomaski

July 29, 1947 - June 11, 2007

I love you big as heaven and I will miss you every day of the rest of my life. You took a big piece of my heart with you. I will hopefully see you on the other side.

Cheryl

For those of you that don't know, this is my Cheryl. My second Mom, and one of the most dearest, sincerest people I have ever known. She has been a huge influence and an even greater inspiration in my life. We worked together for what seemed like an eternity and formed a very deep bond. The first week she was at our office, my old boss, Ray, asked her, Cheryl, why do you always wear those long shirts? And without missing a beat, Cheryl said, Ray, its called camouflage.....to hide my ass. I knew I loved her from that moment on. You should have seen the look on Ray's face as we all laughed hysterically. She was always there to give me advice, hold my hand, make me laugh, or just plain listen. She never met a stranger. You could put her in a room by herself and I swear she could get the wall to talk to her. And you can bet that within five minutes, she'd be showing that wall all of her beautiful grandchildren's pictures. You could tell her anything and everything and nothing at all would surprise her. I think she had probably heard it all and seen it all. And what is even more impressive is that she never judged you. She'd make you laugh and cry all in a matter of five minutes. Her laughter was so contagious. She'd get to laughing like crazy and out came a snort and you couldn't help but bust a gut laughing. That would make her laugh even harder and snort even louder. Our office was just not the same when she decided to retire and spend more time with the love of her life and her loving family. In hindsight, that was the best thing she ever did. I'll never forget the time I heard this loud crash in her office followed by this loud snorting laughter with an "I'm okay" coming out in between. Cheryl had fallen out of her chair and some how the chair had ended up on top of her. Nobody was more amused than Cheryl.

As most of you know, she has been fighting a long hard downhill battle with cancer. She fought bavely and valiantly. She is now nearing the end of her battle. Unfortunatly, the cancer is going to win. I had the hardest phone call today. Her daughter called me and told me this was the end, but that Cheryl was holding on possibly to say goodbye to the people she didn't really get a chance to. Natalie asked me to tell her goodbye and let her know that it was okay for her to go. How do you say that when its not okay? I don't want her to go. But that is extremely selfish of me, so I sucked it up and said the hardest words I have ever had to say. I told her I loved her and that it was time for her to go. That we would all be okay and she could let go and be with God. Do you know how hard that was to get out without letting your voice crack and quiver? She could not respond, but I did hear her moan a little and Natalie said she heard me, so I know my message got through. I hope it gave her some peace. I hope it made a difference. I hope it will make her journey a little easier. I feel so guilty for praying daily that God will take her out of this misery knowing that what I really want is for her to be here with us. But you know, she is the lucky one. She gets to go and see what is on the other side. She gets to meet God and be in his presence. I told her while I had her on the phone today, to please put in a good word for me when she gets there cause I sure know I need all the help I can get and could sure use someone like her on my side up there! It wont be long now. I'm scared of the phone ringing. I dread that call but I almost wish it would come so she can be out of misery. Thank God Tina and the dh are here to get me through it. And so many of my friends that have sent emails and instant messages and what not. I want you all to know, I could NOT make it through this without each and every one of you.

I just wish I knew what was worse. Having to watch the one you love die slowly and painfully or having them torn out of your life suddenly? None of it is any good. There just isn't a good way. I also have to say that my thoughts and prayers go out to Cas. I can't even fathom what she is going through. For those of you that don't know, Cas' 20 yr old son passed away last Thursday. There are no words that can make that any easier and it makes you hurt that you can't take away that hurt or make it any easier. Cas, just know that there are alot of people out here that love you and we are all here for you at any time. We all ache for you and wish we could take away your pain.

We all need to be sure to appreciate our lives and the wonderful beautiful people that are sharing it with us. I have to say that I am extremely thankful to have my Tina back in my life. And to have her and Cameron under my roof has been a joy you cannot even imagine. I love seeing both of them smile and listen to them laugh. Tina has been my rock through this and I can't thank her or love her enough. I am truly blessed to have her in my life. Andrea has been there for me as well and I can't thank her enough. She's gotten me through some very hard times. And she's a great "myspace webmaster". :-) She has pimped my myspace page on so many occasions. I absolutely love it. And her of course. And Roger..........I can't say enough about Roger. He always, always makes me smile. However, I think I may lose him to Tina if they get together for shoe shopping. I'll never see either of them, the little shoe freaks!!! j/k

I love you guys and I am truly and unimagainbly blessed to have each and every one of you in my life.