Very Sad Update

Its with an extremely heavy heart that I write this.

I talked to Cheryl's daugher, Michelle, this afternoon and they will not be doing anymore chemo. Cheryl went in last night to do the chemo and the doctor told her it was doing more harm now than good, so they will not do anymore. The subcutaneous cancer cells have increased and the side effects are getting to be too much. She is on oxygen 24/7 and the cancer is also now in her lungs. They have given her three weeks to a month left to live. Of course, this also came as a huge shock to her since she was actually feeling better and thought she was getting better.

I'm losing my best friend, and my heart is breaking. I know that is selfish and I know she will be better off and in a much better place, but I'm not ready. How do you say goodbye to your best friend? How do you let her go? How do you not break down in front of her? I know I have to stay strong for her sake, but how? How do you do it? I've never watched someone this close to me die. I hate the way you basically sit around and wonder every day when she goes to bed if she will wake up in the morning. And how must that be for her? You know you have a short amount of time, so how would you feel? What would you do if you knew you had a short amount of time left on this earth? I wouldn't know where to begin. How do you see everyone you want to see and do everythign you want to do, in three weeks? I want to be there with her all the time that she has left. Sitting by her side. But you can't do that either. So, now what?

All I can do is make sure she knows how much I love her and how much of a better life I've had having her in it. She's one of the bravest people I know. Always smiling. Always laughing. And OMG, the lives that woman has enriched. She's never met a stranger. And everyone she ever met saw her grandkids. She had more pictures of her grandbabies. She was the proudest grandma I think I have ever met. And she would just beam when she looked at those babies. My heart aches knowing those babies will grow up without knowing such a fantastic woman. They are too young to fully appreciate her.

Anyway. Just wanted to keep everyone updated. I'd better stop typing on my lap top since my tears are soaking the keyboard. And since I've been crying non-stop since 4p today, I think its time to go to bed.

I just truly hope she knows how much I love her.