Life Really Sucks Sometimes.....

Today was the end of a very long, exhausting, emotional week. I have to say that I am sincerely thankful that it is friday. I can't remember the last time I was this physically or emotionally drained. So many things have been running through my mind and causing me to pause and reflect. I don't think I've had a full nights sleep one time this week.

For very personal reasons, I've been following this whole Bart Whitaker trial. It truly amazes me that a child could break bread with his family to celebrate his supposed graduation from college, knowing that he was going to have them all murdered later that very same evening. Not to mention that you are celebrating a graduation that you know will NEVER happen considering he had dropped out of college months earlier. Oh and lets not forget the $4,000 Rolex watch his mom and dad gave him for graduation. How devasting that is for Kent (Bart's father). Knowing that your son despised you that much that he thought of no way out other than eliminating you, your wife, and other son. Then, to prepare yourself to lose your last remaining family member to the death penalty. Especially since Kent is whole heartedly against the death penalty. How horrible it must be to sit in court day after day and listen to all of the testimony and hear all these awhful things your kid, the child you loved more than you thought possible, the one you raised the best you could, only to hear these awhful feelings he had about you and the rest of his family. My heart truly aches for Kent. He's lost his entire family basically all in one fail swoop.

I'm not sure if you remember or not, but I have blogged before about a very good friend of mine that is like my second mom. We used to work together and she is a beautiful human being, inside and out. She was the one that was diagnosed with bladder cancer and given three months to live. She had a rough time through chemo and lost all her hair, but she beat it. For the last two years all her tests have come back clean. Well, I got an email from her today that just ripped my heart right out of my chest. The cancer is back. It has now gone into her lungs, spine and femar bone. Stage 4. In her lung, there is an area about pea sized and some other spots. She starts chemo again on Tuesday. Please please please keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers. I have never heard her this defeated. I truly ache for her.

All of this really does make your problems seem small you know? Kinda makes you feel thankful for your troubles. It also makes you realize how short life really is. Before you know it, the time has flown by. Makes you stop and think about things that you've done, things that have happened, things you wish you could change, but can't, regrets you have, time you've wasted, friends you've neglected or let slip away...... Gives you a whole new perspective on things. I hate the things I can not change but have to accept that I have no control of them and leave them in God's hands as he knows what is best for me. Its very fatiguing to hang on to pain and hurt and guilt. A friend told me today "if you look through the clouds that you're experiencing right now, you should be able to see some sunshine. I'm sure there's some there, and you can focus on that and relish it, and the bad stuff will fade into the background." And you know, she's right. If all you focus on are the clouds, you wont ever see the sunshine. And maybe this is God's way of tying up loose ends and forcing you to move on to the next chapter to come. I never want to look back on things and think "if only" or I wish I had of spent more time with someone now that its too late. You never know when it's going to be too late. People are taken out of our lives so very quickly.

I just want everyone to know now, that I am sorry if I ever hurt any of you and for all of the things I have done, said or thought. I love each and every one of you and you all mean the world to me. You know what they say, "To Err is human; to forgive is Divine." I don't want that time to come and look back and say, now its too late.

Please keep the Whitaker family and the Tomaski family in your thoughts and prayers. They are going to need it. There's a long road in front of them.